BANANAS ARE TOTALLY STUPID (Dec 88)
In ZZAP! Rrap the section on bananas, Issue 42, was totally stupid and had nothing to do with games, computers or ZZAP! itself. I feel the Rrap section should be about either constructive criticism or something to do with the computer world. This is my first ever letter to ZZAP! I hope you will print it, take the criticism, and note my ideas.
Barry Latcham, Crook, County Durham.
Actually, computers have an awful lot in common with bananas. Neither bananas or microchips contain any fat at all - if you ate a computer chip you'd be taking in at least 100 calories (just like a banana) and if you put a computer on the floor you could easily slip on it. Computers look rather nice when arranged in fruit bowls, and are yellow (if you paint them); the important bit of a computer is on the inside - just like a banana; and you could probably skin a banana with a screwdriver. Ah, I feel a song coming on:
Deo, mise deo,,,
Daylight cum and me wan go whoam;
Mise de, mise de, mise de
(we have to interrupt this transmission of Housewives' Choice. Unfortunately, our solo singer Mr Lloyd Mangram, is rolling around on the floor with a chicken leg up his nose telling jokes about fish.)
SOMEONE LIKES PAUL GLANCEY! HOORAY! (Jan 89)
My brother (CJ) always buys your ZZAP! magazine and I, being his sister, always read it. I reckon your magazine is no very rubbish, ie. Pretty brilliant.
Anyway, while checking out your ZZAP! Rrap, I came across a letter from a certain Steve who really did PG in.
PG happens to be one of the main reasons I read your mag, cos I happen to think he's pretty damn gorgeous. He is lovely, funny, charming and sexy.
Ms Rocky Jay II
P.S. I am not mad, blind or mentally distrubed. And I wonder if Steve the MF has a reply to my letter. I rest my case.
Brilliant, Rocky Jay, best joke I've heard in years. I only stopped laughing when Gordo hit me over the head with a salami and my attention was distracted momentarily by the arrival of a massive flying pig.
Erm, if Steve retaliates we'll be happy to print his reply.
PILCHARD OF THE MONTH (Jan 89)
Just think of it - me and you, sat by a fire (or radiator, whichever you think is more picturesque), getting strange ideas from my Barbarian poster, and playing a bizarre little pastime I invented called 'Dip-'em-in.' Anyway, Kati, the main reason I wrote to such a brilliantly attractive person as yourself was to see if you needed a penpal. I'm warning you - refuse and I'll jump off a cliff tied to an elephant doused in petrol with some nitro-glycerine stuck in my pants.
'Captin Zapp' alias Kieren Trinder
P.S. Gis a mention - even if it does cost you 'yer job.
I've got your picture stuck on my bedside - give you a guess wot I do with it.
Write back soon.
Well, you made it - straight from humble roots to centre stage. The man with this month's fragrant, scaly and very shiny Pilchard of the Month award. Wooh! And now we hand over to Kati.
(What a thought! Unfortunately, it seems our love was never meant to be. Judging from the quality of your handwriting you're just not my kind of guy. Maybe when you've finished Kindergarten we can get together sometime - but I doubt it. In the mean time you could always try playing a really nice game - put those sticks of nitro-glycerine in your underpants AND LIGHT THEM. See ya.)
EAT THAT ZZAP! 2 (June 89)
I didn't eat Issue 45 the other day, I ate a vintage Issue 24 and thought it tasted bloody disgusting - too sour.
Rob Purvis, Jersey.